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Well, I hear and have been reading a lot about gradually going off SSRI’s. All this reading gives me hope. Others have been leery about going off all anti depressants for fear of the side effects and withdrawals.

The key to coming off Citalopram, for me, would be to be slow with lowering the dosage over a long period of time. I would think the longer period of time the better the results. I have tried to go off the pills before but failed because I tried to go too quickly.

This time I will take a different approach over the next 6 months. By knocking off a 1/4 of the dose and continuing this for 3 months then knock off another 1/4 of the dose every 3 months. By doing this the withdrawals won’t be as extreme. As I have heard the withdrawals can be violent.

For me this will work. Well, I sure am hoping and praying it will work.

Please do not try this without your doctor’s permission. We are not alike in anyway. Our issues are different. Our brains are different. As well, our doses of Citalopram are different, you should take caution.

Life is about…

 

If you are suicidal don’t read this. It might trigger…

There has been damage done in my past that I am not sure will ever be repairable. My brain has been altered for the worse. The life events have caused a huge uproar within my body. It feels as though there might be nothing left. If I am unable to fix or repair what damage has been done then there really is no point in moving forward.

Fibromyalgia is an awful thing to live with. The depression is nasty and the pain is unbearable most days. Society is having a difficult time with understanding people like me. There are so many others with this disease if society would just look around they would see!

The damage that was put upon me as a child has caused this disease. My brain has been altered and what else was it supposed to do?

I realise there are so many people who have diseases and major illnesses that will actually kill them eventually. Fibromyalgia won’t kill me but it could lead to suicide. Why or how can I carry on when I have nothing left? My life is at the lowest point; no job and can’t work, no family who cares, solitary confinement in my home, no friends and I don’t like to be around people, I wake each day wondering ‘what is the point?’.

If I could reorganise the house something might change. No, tried that.

If I was nicer something might change, No, tried that.

If I bought this or that something might change. No, tried that.

If I was mean and nasty something might change. No, tried that.

If I sang a song something might change. No, tried that.

If I stopped medication something might change. No, tried that.

If I made myself do everything right something might change. No, tried that.

If I got a job something might change. No, tried that.

You see, no matter what I do nothing changes that fact I have an illness that won’t kill me. I have to live this way for the rest of my life. I cannot run far and fast to anywhere to get away from this terrible life.

It’s hard not to think about suicide when you don’t see anything good coming in your future.

Time To Give Up

Life has been difficult for me this year. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up. I still feel it even now as I type this post. I’m tired and lonely. There is no point in going on because I have no one who understands me for who I am. To this day there never has been anyone who is truthful enough to me about how they feel or what they think.

The other day there was a conversation between two young teens. They were talking about trust. Who to trust. How to trust. What to look for in a friend. Needless to say, I stayed out of the conversation because I would have tainted their ideas about what they thought of all those things.

Over the years I have learned not to trust anyone. I do not even trust my husband. I hold some knowledge about trust. If you can’t trust yourself then you cannot trust another person. I believe this to be true.

I do not trust myself because I have lied, stolen, hated, hurt others, cheated on many people I have been partnered with, and several other things that were of the same nature.

I try to be a good person but it seems I get caught up in the sort of things where I try to make myself look better than what I really am. I live a lie because I am married and am a lesbian. I cannot bring myself to tell my husband because I am so afraid of the outcome. I don’t want to be hated, ignored, or shunned from where I live either. So this makes my life more difficult.

I don’t even know if this is making any sense but if feels right to me. It seems as the years go by, the stuff in my head continues to get more scrambled and the lies I have told are going to bite me in the ass. Which of course, the lies always do come back to haunt. No matter how hard you try to run from something bad it always comes back.

I have been hiding my sexuality for more than thirty years. I knew when I was four but didn’t know the name of how I felt.

Positive Thinking

Positive thinking seems to be the topic of many conversations these days. As society becomes more aware of life, surroundings, and others. In the past society in general seemed to be selfish and seeking their own satisfaction by creating their own happy reality in their tiny little worlds.

Now, society has become more aware of what others need and they are becoming more helpful toward the world in general. Whether it be giving food, their time to an individual or an organization. All of this giving is helping society gain rather than lose. Although, some people claim they cannot see where the changes are for the better because they don’t see the impact.

It might be that I live in a smaller community but I find the people here are so helpful and caring toward others. They are always willing to give where needed. Always giving with their time and food donations; also with money donations it seems mostly with the larger businesses in town if they see a true need in the community.

Volunteerism has become prominent today. I believe you can’t get in return if you don’t give something to begin with.

It’s really about time we gather together because there is power in numbers. And it will count toward something good for the future of all children. Provided the majority of parents today teach their children good, valuable and pertinent information they will fully utilize in the future of their world.

Positive thinking brings all good things to light.

We’re Back!

Welcome back to One of Many Me’s! Finally back online after nearly two years of being away. A lot has changed, begun and ended since the last post on this blog.

I’ve learned a lot and been shaken up a bit although surviving is one of my best skills. Here’s to hoping you’re still following along. If not, maybe you’ll come back to read me again…

I cannot explain how much I’ve missed writing. Although, it is going to take a bit to get back into the hang of typing and phrasing thoughts.

Happily, I must say, the feeling of needing to vent is less now than it ever has been. The main reason is because I have dealt with, discarded, detached from most of the things and people who were creating those situations in which I was feeling awful. Oh, and of course I’m older Smile with tongue out so that believe it or not does make a huge difference.

This next year will be thoughts, ideas and inspiring posts in which I have learned from in the past.

Thanks for being here with one of many me’s and I look forward to clicking away on the keys for you! Your time here means a lot to me! Winking smile

 

Catch ya later Rainbow

SUMMER BREAK

Now is the time to take a break from the Internet. Summer is here and it’s time to go outside to have some fun with the horses. My Internet is now cut off for the summer until Sept 2010 at the latest.

Saving a bit of money as well as having a good time this year with participation in my life. Adding some things to life is a good thing. Making more time this summer to be with my horses and dogs which is a good thing because if you think about it: animals are not with us for a very long time. I think the more time I spend with my animals the better the times and it’s a good time to make fun memories to relish when they are gone.

I know I have not made a lot of time to write and post. Although, I will miss the act of writing. Maybe, just maybe, this will give me the opportunity to write and stock up on good things to share with you this winter. Believe me I will try to capture the fun times and learning experiences just so I can share them with you. My dear readership, I know you are there and reading because I can see it in the numbers.

Sorry I have taken so long to write. But believe me when I say, life has been less than boring. It has been a very emotional time this year already. With my dad going into the hospital with rectal cancer and me having to live without my loving furry best friend in the whole world. Whom I miss and still hold dear to my heart. I can still remember laying next to him on his dog bed the night before he had to go. Cuddling with my best friend was a good bitter sweet memory and it is still very clear in my mind which is why even now, it pains my heart. Jan 2010 seems like yesterday.

What is so funny? I talk more about my dog dying than my dad being in the hospital, go figure!? You want the honest truth?

My dog was worth more to me than my dad because my dog actually loved me. It sure is a sad world when people mean nothing to their family. If you don’t have a family, find a family to be yours!

Anyway, when I post here again it will be September 2010. I wish you all the best in your summer. Stay safe, have fun and take time to enjoy your life. Add something new to your life this year. Take time for yourself. Be nice to you and find someone to love you once you learn to love yourself.

Be good and thank you so much for reading One of Many Me’s.

“See” you in September :)

 

P.S.

I almost forgot to tell you, my dad did finally recover from the operation. Three months later, he is back at his home being as miserable as ever! So that my friends, is good news. I suppose. The jury is still out on whether I am happy or  not..

Fact: the family should have pull the plug when they had the chance… :/

Horsey Time Again!

Time to get those wolf teeth removed, feet shod, manes all trimmed up and looking pretty! Brush up on your riding skills strap on those lucky spurs and get back in the saddle this season. Don’t forget the crop whip for those rusty mannered horses.

What are you waiting for?

This year is going to be a bit difficult for myself to get out there riding because this winter was not nice to my herd. Although, if they weren’t trucking through the bush they might have better legs.

Some new horse people who are just learning don’t know that wolf teeth are aggravating to horses if you use a bit. If you are so lucky to have a horse trained with a bitless bridal then you are okay to go go go!

The reason we remove the wolf teeth is because they make the difference between a pleasant enjoyable ride and a grouchy fitful horse. These teeth sit directly in front of the back teeth in the space where the bit sits. And because these teeth are so small you might not be able to see them but if your horse lets you put a finger in their mouth you can feel around the gum area. Generally, wolf teeth are no bigger than a finger nail. Also, there are known cases of wolf teeth which have grown back. So, be aware if your horse just isn’t happy at some point there is an issue you have to deal with soon.

Stay safe, ride easy, and be alert! Oh, and be nice to your horse because they know when you are up to something… :)

Thanks for reading One of Many Me’s.

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